My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
