why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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