just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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