I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
