Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
