Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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