he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
