I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize