I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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