Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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