Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
