My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
