the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
