dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Also, beer. Big fan.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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