so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
