Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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