Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
