tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
