The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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