i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
