Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
