...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
