i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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