I have demons in me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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