My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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