if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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