walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Dignity is for republicans.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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