I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm having to shit out rocks
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
