where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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