I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
