I cannot find my penis.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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