He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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