yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
