I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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