Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
