mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
