So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
