Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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