True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
