Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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