I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Be still, my beating vagina.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
