I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
