Is it because I queefed?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
