I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
