i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize