I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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