He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
