I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
my poor anus
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
