you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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