I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
