My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
