we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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