At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
