Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
