no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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