Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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