I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
