dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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